MrsP

I'm a retired teacher. I have three grown up spawn, identical twin daughters who are 25 and a son who is 24. Though identical the girls are completely opposite, one looks like a boy, and the other is all hair, nails and makeup. Both gay. The boy who we thought was gay isn't and he's recently proposed to his girlfriend and had fireworks and a friend filming it. He got down on one knee. In front of a bin.

I used to have a house full of snakes and skunks, cats and parrots and a garden full of ducks and chickens including the **** Bono who just turned up and stayed for four years, but we now only have four indoor cats, one dirty stopout, a Macaw, a very grumpy ****atiel and Steve the tarantula who is the recent addition to the family.

I'm recovering from a brain tumour which has left me with mobility issues and thankfully nothing more serious. Not fun but I do have a disabled parking badge. I also have a magnificent scar on my head, that is now covered by hair. If I wanted to be bald I'd show it off proudly. But I prefer to have hair.

What else? I love to write. My friends love my regular stories about my experiences when I'm out shopping. I'm writing a book about my teaching experiences and have a blog that I try and update when I can be arsed. I definitely don't take myself seriously.

I have a life sized skeleton in my passenger seat who is called Mr Dem Bones lll and he makes people smile every day when we're out and about. I have to leave him in the car while shopping as he always wants to drive the trolley and he's already got us banned from Asda.